Oh Chris... No...

So I have to say, there is one "celebrity" that I have HUGE issues with. Chris Crocker. I can darn near say I hate him really. Not because he's freaky, or out there, or whatever... it's because he's hateful and claims to be the voice of my generation, which is SO wrong. Anyway, the reason I brought him up is because I saw one of his videos today, and it made me remember one of my favorite quotes, which I heard at Campus Pride lol.

"Change must be deliberate and respectful." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

So many people want so much to be Malcolm X, or some other kind of bastion of radically free thought and liberation, and sometimes I love them for their fierce independence from what we adhere to as the "norm"... but when it comes down to it, it isn't an issue of conformity, or behavior, or politeness and acceptability. It's whether you can have that radical left wing idea and still be a mature functioning adult. People like Chris say "I'm here, I'm queer, and y'all better get used to it cuz I'm the next big thing honey" or whatever, and they cast a pall over the entire idea... but the people who put on that suit and go around creating those pro-LGBT legislations are nowhere near as eye-catching or out there as people like Chris, so fewer people are exposed to us behaving any differently... whether it's media portrayal, or the idea of the MTV generation and whatnot... I think I'm going to pay more attention to how I present myself as a leader, especially as it pertains to professionalism and respectfulness. I'd encourage others to do the same.

Filler

Well, I don't actually have any stories today, so I'll just toss out a favorite quote of mine, from The Boondocks:

Huey: "Granddad, what do you do when there's nothing you can do?"
Granddad: "You do what you can."

Yeah, I know it's a cartoon, but for some reason that quote is really powerful to me... one of those things that when it applies, it makes total sense.

Oh, and tomorrow I'm volunteering for the First Annual Sunride to benefit Camp Sunrise, which is a camp in Ohio that serves children ages 7-17 affected by HIV/AIDS... definitely a good cause, and an incredible community effort. I'd be more excited, but I'm tired and feeling blah. Still, I'll do what I can.

(Like how I tie it all back in all sneaky like?)

No News is Good News

So I didn't really do anything today... no catalogs, no applications, no Facebook business... I basically ignored all the e-mails. Emily said before she's worried I'm going to burn out, which I suppose is true. I just wanted to get as much out of the way as possible for First Week, and out of the way so I can slow down in the Fall a little, but I kind of feel like right now I have a good sized helping on my plate, really just waiting to hear back about Campus Q and seeing what all it entails... assuming I get the position. After I feel comfortable with Rainbow and Campus Q, I'll look at HRC and other local orgs and see if I want to take on more.

I'll be honest though, at first I was really mad when she voiced her concerns... well more hurt really. I took it as if to say that I couldn't handle it, and there were some other things that played in that I just won't talk about, because it really amounts to an emotional reaction, which wasn't the most mature. I'm still a little bothered by the whole thing, but I'm just going to move forward and deal with things as they come... for now I'm just going to slow down and wait for other people to catch up, and the things I'm doing for me I'll just keep to myself. Not as in secret, I mean more like not bring other people into it. I might just be more into these things than others, or maybe just want to commit more of myself to it than others. I would really love to do this kind of stuff for a career, because I would be so proud to tell people "This is what I do." For now though, I'm just going to go day to day and see where all this stuff takes me... which is funny, because as much as I complained about Campus Pride at first (see "too much kumbaya shit" a couple posts back) I don't think I would be on this track without it. I'm so excited to see what Creating Change has to offer though, it sounds like a very business-oriented conference, and I can't wait to see that side... and hopefully some old Campus Pride buddies will be there.

Anyway, I'm going to go and throw myself a concert and veg out on the internet like a regular 22 year old. Later blog!

One of Those Days...

So yeah, today kinda sucked. It's not really worth getting into, every day can't be a winner, today just hit harder because it's the first disheartening day I've had since being on this upward swing. BUT, the obstacles arise, and we overcome right? So that's what I'm going to do... or try. Right now lol my mood just says "Today's a shitty day, wallow for a bit."

On a brighter note, I haven't talked to one of the most important people in my life for months, and realized just a little bit ago that it's been almost a year since last we were together, so I called them and got their voicemail, and then wrote them a letter. Hopefully I can see them soon, I could use the pick me up.

Ugh... Emotions

Well, I finally wrote on everybody's wall who impacted me during Camp. I now realize also how socially awkward I am. Seriously, ask my friends, I suck at keeping open communication. I just get so busy in my own life that I neglect to make time for people who aren't right in my grill. So, this time I committed to telling everyone how much I appreciated them, and I feel like a stalker and a nerd. Lol, I just feel like everything I said wasn't natural, and came out forced or something. I just hope people don't think I was being fake nice... I just suck at being for real nice.

Anyway, I'm finding way too much that I like in this catalog, I'm gonna have to sit down with Emily sometime and discuss what people would most use, and also our budget. Tomorrow's goal is to go to the Campus Pride website and write down all the organizations it has listed there. Then, contact all of them to see how WSU can get involved, or just study what purpose they serve.

Oh my God, I'm out of here... seriously in the org complex the A/C is so high and blasting so hard, I'm shaking... like enough to make my stomach hurt. I can't believe I forgot my damn keys. Grr to you fate, grr.

Sometimes All It Takes...

So this morning I got ready for work (12-4 today) and got to campus before 9 to work on Rainbow stuff, and I'll be here 'til after 6. So, that in mind, I grabbed every resource I got from Campus Pride that I could get my hands on, to maybe call HRC and see what they could send us to disseminate, and maybe see about calling local area high schools to get them the educational materials HRC has... but lo and behold, genius that I am, decided not to bring my keys because "Oh, Crystal has hers and she'll unlock the house when we get home." Oh wait, my keyring has both my house keys AND my office keys. So yeah, I can't get into the Rainbow office today. But, undeterred, I have set up in one of the pods in the student org complex (The Big Six have their own offices, but outside of these are "pods" which are basically desks set up for the smaller orgs, who aren't using them yet... or possibly ever). My plan now is to go through the Public IDentity catalog and highlight some promo items I find interesting... or just play some internet video games, I'm not sure.

Accomplishments

So today is off to a stronger start after an awkward night. First, allow me to wrap up the events of last night. Obviously, no I did not have sex with Adam. But lo and behold after I aplogize and as nicely as possible decline his offer, I go to check my Facebook and find that strangely enough, Matt is online. We talked for a while, about his status as a student, his life situation, and his health and moving to Colorado, fairly light conversation. Now Matt and I did date, and unfortunately it did not work out. For awhile, as is often the case, there were hard feelings and issues, but I feel that for the most part we have an understanding of what happened and what we were, and who we individually are now, which is a good thing. I invited him out to the charity bike ride which I will ramble on about shortly, but decided not to mention Adam's... I don't even know what to call it. Sometimes, it's best to just close your mouth and let things slide under the rug... in this case, I really don't think telling him that would have soothed his aching heart or made anything any better. I still just feel very awkward and uncomfortable though, which is why I'm writing about it at all.

Anyway, on to business that matters. Last night, Emily and I went to Aquarius to meet Rob, who is coordinating a charity bike-a-thon to benefit Camp Sunrise, a camp in Ohio that serves children affected by HIV infection and AIDS. Rob actually got together so many sponsors and partners, and even got the Mayor to start the ride. The best part is, she contacted him and asked if she could, he didn't even approach her! Rob and I chit-chatted a bit about how great it would be to get all these different LGBT organizations talking and involved with one another so that we can all do more together, and it was so encouraging to hear someone say it out in the community, in the "real world" so to speak. Anyway, I got home and fooled around til I went to bed (insert awkward sex proposition), then woke up this morning and set off to work. Thus far, I have e-mailed everyone who attended Take Flight (WSU's Leadership Retreat) asking them to support the ride, and also made a Facebook group and invited everyone in the Dayton area to join. On top of that (which actually took a large chunk of time) Chris messaged me on Facebook, from Campus Pride, and we chatted a bit about the beastly application process for Campus Q (There are an obscene number of questions on it) and he casually mentions that he's thinking of asking me not to be a state ambassador, but rather a REGIONAL ambassador. Let me explain. A State Ambassador would represent Ohio... every college in Ohio from Dayton to Columbus to Toledo and everyone between and outside. Well, rather would serve I should say, not represent. A Regional Ambassador would serve campuses in Michigan, Ohio, West Virginia, Virginia, Indiana, and Kentucky. That's kind of a scary thought seeing as how I've never been to West Virginia, Virginia, or Kentucky, and it makes the prospect of trying to understand and help them out a daunting one, but we all have to start somewhere I guess, and really if I want to represent the national LGBT community one day, I guess six states is laughable. So, bite the bullet right?

At any rate, right now it seems my excitement and passion are on par with my run-down tiredness, because I feel very in between. I'm not doing crazy amounts of stuff, but neither have I done nothing... I'm waffling in between, but I think I need to get to a resting point and take a bar night with some friends to cool off, so then I can not feel like I'm in a funk. It's just crazy looking at how much opportunity and need there is in my community, and my head is so full of possibilities that I can't just grab one thought and focus on it. Today, I took care of the Bike-A-Thon, next is that damn Campus Q application... after that will be my breather time, and I'll think about the rest of the world tomorrow.

Oh, and note to self: See if I can book Vernon Wall to come speak in February... maybe BSU will be more likely to co-sponsor him during Black History Month.

Sometimes our community seems so small...

So tonight was an awkward experience. I'm chatting online and a faceless, nameless guy messages me (which is a common occurrence online to be sure) and says that he wants to hook up with me. Typically, this is a direct ignore moment, but then this person says he knows me, and that I know him. He goes on to say that he dated my ex, and I met him while they were dating. Now, my curiosity gets the best of me and we go around and around until I find out that this guy is Adam, who dated my ex Matt after he and I broke up, and the last I had heard the two were practically engaged... I mean they had met each other's families, gone away on vacation together, had toothbrushes at each other's places (I saw the pic on Matt's blog as he swooned over the romance of it, which at the time made me ill), and now I suddenly find out that Matt is moving to Colorado, he's broken up with Adam, and of course is not returning to Wright State in the fall. Now, what makes this entire situation entirely awkward is that Adam proceeds to proposition me to come over and have sex with him. Now, I understand hook-up culture... two adults (in my opinion) can consent to having a meaningless, physical, one-night relationship, as long as it's safe and consensual... but someone I know, who knows my friends, and has been a part of my normal life? No... definitely not. Not to mention the awkwardness of both of us having dated the same person. It's times like these I wish vaguely that I were heterosexual, or rather that everyone else were gay. We are such a small community at times that we trip over each other, and sleeping with or dating a person immediately connects you to twenty others, which in some places is THE community. On top of that... who thinks it's all right to proposition somebody for sex solely on the basis of knowing the same person? That's just... awkward. But it seems that that is a part of gay culture... the hook-up mentality, the shallow drives, the "young, dumb, and full of cum" mindset. Sometimes, I hate that... but other times I'll admit I'm a part of it. But most times, I just hate it. How do we find love, or fight for marriage equality, when half of us (gay men I mean in particular) are dead set on the idea of "Fuck marriage, just have sex". Sometimes it's disheartening.

GAP (Red) Line

I just want to take a quick second to throw out something both LGBT-related and personally important to me. I'm a big fashion nut, I suppose as much as any other college age gay boy, but I also think it's vitally important that anything you wear represents you well. To me, that means it should reflect your person to the outside world. I like to think my clothes go across all lines, use a variety of colors and styles to show I don't confine or define myself rigidly, and I love those little bits that show people something about me, for instance my Voltron T-Shirt, or my Thundercats belt buckle (I also have the old school TMNT and a Jack Skellington one), and my Stewie slippers from Family Guy... it's those little things that set me apart from every other guy walking down the street thinking he's Mr. Sexy or whatever. Another part of fashion and how it plays in to people is looking beyond the superficial to show who you are. Make an outfit out of that Campus Pride T-Shirt to show the world you're a Happy Camper, and rock that HRC lanyard on your keys... when people notice those things, or I should say when I notice those things, it catches my eye and immediately adds another dimension to you as a person before I've even gotten to speak with you. So much of a person is said right on the surface, and I don't mean that in a shallow way, it's just how things go. Now, having gone on that long-winding tangent, I want to have people take a look at the GAP (Product) Red Line of clothing. Half the profits from these items goes to women and children in Africa affected by HIV/AIDS. That's soemthing hugely correlated to the LGBT community, and it seems many times the only people who give a shit and are actively against these diseases are the LGBT community. The clothes are made from African cotton, for a good cause, and some of them look damn good, so for those of you who might read this blog, if you're looking for some hot new summer clothes, maybe skip the Abercrombie this time and show a different side of yourself... a side that cares a little more and that is more aware of what's going in the world, and even though it's just a token half-ass kind of activism, I think it's something worth supporting. If you're interested, do some shopping. It's affordable, and some of them are really cool.

http://www.gap.com/red

In the Beginning...

I actually don't have anything to say right now... there's too much in my head. I just spent all of July steeped in my identity as a homosexual male, and it isn't so much a sense of "more questions than answers" as it is a cluster fuck of confusion and at the same time, direction. I spent the first two weeks of July back home in Michigan, chatting with the local gay community (via gay.com... it was the best I had available without a car) and trying to find out where to live in Michigan. I was very disappointed. They're all scattered to the wind there, and all the big gay places are located in the big bad places, like deep into Detroit and such. My family and my friends want me to come back, and I know Crystal needs to move back, but me... I want to fly away and never come back. I want to live in a place where I can be gay and proud and free from everything that's held me down, where I can go to school and graduate and move on to become a leader in the LGBT social justice movement. I don't know why, but I can't turn my back on this stuff, and my gay identity is so separate and removed from my home identity that the two just don't seem to coincide. Basically, my trip home was supposed to tell me where to go, and it just made me realize that I don't know where to find my happiness.

So, after being home for two weeks I flew straight to Maryland to Campus Pride, which is a week long retreat (almost) for LGBT student leaders. Again, mixed reactions. At first I hated it and wanted to leave, too much kumbaya shit, not enough getting down to business and saying "This is what the world needs you people to do to make a better tomorrow." But on Monday we went to DC and I finally tasted that... it was like finally being able to see The Movement. It's a term everyone threw around, but I finally saw it in it's existence. The charged emotions, the anger and frustration, the professionalism and the strength of the people fighting for me and for others, the feeling that change is possible, affordable, and creatable was amazing. After that it was like the world opened up, I was involved and engaged, and finally found places to put my passion that were previously shut off from me. I also met some amazing people, and it gave me heart to know that there were others like me out there, and things I hadn't seen, that Dayton wasn't all there was to the world of gay. Overall, I felt like camp was a life-changing experience, but the problem with life-changing things is that they are only the first step up the ladder on the diving board. Some people think it's when you dive that everything changes, but it's that first step when you commit to that climb, knowing that just up ahead is the scariest shit you've ever faced and knowing that you don't know what's about to happen, that's the life changing moment. For me, I've decided to take that step and start climbing... taking each rung as my leadership tenure at Wright State, moving to a place where I can continue my passion, finishing my degree in a field that mosts enables me to credit myself as an LGBT leader, moving into an organization where I can start working, and someday diving off that board headfirst into a country that loves me and others like me, but that at times hurts me, hates me, and treats me like less than I am. It's a lot of work, but I want to pour myself into it and do everything I can to make sure that the next generation only has to fight for the little things, and serve as watchdogs for my community... instead of being forced out of jobs, losing their kids, being unable to marry, and being openly bashed in the public eye as monsters, rapists, and second class citizens.

Anyway, after that camp I went straight home, and then woke up to go to Wright State's leadership retreat. Much less kumbaya shit this time, which I loved, and it was people I already knew for the most part, or people that were easy to meet, so it was much more relaxing. The education sucked, just a lot of powerpoint presenting and blah blah blah, but I got to talk about what I've learned and I could see on some people's faces that they were surprised at how much I know and how much passion I have, and one faculty member even came to us and said "If you ever need any help with anything, please let me know. I mean it." It was just good to bring that back home and see how easy it is to start inching in that difference, and looking forward to what I'm about to do and getting excited about what that change is going to manifest as. I also met more amazing friends and people, and I'm excited to go back and get my hands dirty, making my mark on the lives of LGBT students not only at WSU but in UD where they don't get the things we do, and in other smaller colleges, and in the community itself. It's like practice for moving forward and onward.

There's so much to do that right now I can barely think, I just know my brain is so ready to tackle the problems of the world, but my body is sore and can barely move... I need to be careful not to burn out and slide all the way back to page 1.